Nolan Glassfinder : An unfortunately normal man who thinks he’s brighter and more popular than he is. The person he hates the most is Balvin Moncrief.
Balvin Moncrief : An unfortunately normal man who thinks he’s brighter and more popular than he is. The person he hates the most is Nolan Glassfinder. He has shared a flat with Nolan ever since he stumbled through his door after an unfortunate bout of sneezing twelve years ago.
Tarquin : The narrator. He hates both Nolan and Balvin, ever since Nolan ran over his pet chihuahua Lemuel.
Frank The Elephant : An African elephant who, for some reason, has a penchant for shopping for bone china, and regularly makes a mess on Nolan’s carpet.
Lemuel : Tarquin’s pet chihuahua, who was crushed flat by Nolan when he ran over him. He’s possibly the most normal of all the characters.
Blaxploitation Man : AKA John Shaft, AKA Sidney Thompson. White man who has the seventies look about him. Owns a secret cow library, and listens to Throbbing Gristle.
Snodulous Terrorwhore The Third : A fifty year old woman who likes to stride around wearing only a pink velveteen cape.
Sid The Animal Rights Activist : He is not, as his name would suggest, an animal rights activist. He also doesn’t own a secret cow library, doesn’t like Throbbing Gristle, but once interviewed a small sheep and listens to ‘Push’ by Bros every Thursday morning at 10:34:03.
Sue : A lady in her early twenties who doesn’t realise that she lives on a completely different plane of existence to the rest of the world. She is cursed to live her entire life in complete isolation. She likes the idea of a fair and equal world, but is doubtful about whether this can be achieved.
Red Neck : A slack-jawed yokel from some annonymous southern state in the USA. He originally travelled across the pond with the intention of murdering Nolan, as he heard he was gay. However, he can never remember why he travelled when he gets to his destination.