In which Nolan survives a homophobic attack

{Open on Nolan’s lounge, Nolan is drinking beer, Balvin is drinking wine}

Nolan:                        {drunkenly slurring} D’you think that makes you better man than me?

Balvin:                        {refined} Pardon?

Nolan:                        I shed, d’you thunk that make you better man than me?

Balvin:                        Nolan, please, stop pretending to be drunk, you’ve hardly touched that beer.

Nolan:                        {no longer drunkenly slurring} Tch. Alright, alright.

Balvin:                        But I am a better man than you.

Nolan:                        You are most certainly not.

Balvin:                        It’s not just because I drink wine rather than beer. I just am a better man than you.

Nolan:                        Drinking wine does not make you a better person than me.

Balvin:                        It clearly does.

{it clearly does not}

Balvin:                        Pardon?

{I said, it clearly does not}

Nolan:                        Hang on, are you agreeing with me, Tarquin?


Nolan:                        Yes you are! For once in your sad, miserable life, you’re actually agreeing with me!

{Just because I share an opinion with you does not mean that I agree with you}

Nolan:                        It quite clearly does, Tarquin.

Balvin:                        Yes, I’d have to agree.

Nolan:                        Wait, what? You’re agreeing with me?

Balvin:                        No, no, I’m agreeing with the principle, not you.

Nolan:                        You quite clearly are agreeing with me as well though.

{I’d have to agree with that}

Balvin:                        Shut up Tarquin, we’ve moved on. Anyway, I can agree with the principle and not agree with you. It’s a principle.

{enter Frank The Elephant, breaking through the door and demolishing the wall}

Nolan:                        Frank!

Frank:                         Uh, sorry Nolan.

Nolan:                        Seriously?

Frank:                         I’ve done it again, Nolan.

Nolan:                        I can see that!

Frank:                         No, no, not that. I mean…

Nolan:                        Oh no! Not all over the rug!

Frank:                         No! Not that either. I mean I’ve accidentally promoted the idea that you’re gay in various southern states of America.

Nolan:                        Again?!

Frank:                         Yeah, sorry about that {sits down on the sofa, crushing it, slurps at Nolan’s beer}. So, what’s everyone up to?

Nolan:                        Now hang on, you can’t just come in here, demolish my wall, crush my sofa, steal my beer, tell me that you’ve promoted the idea that I’m gay in various southern states of America, and then pretend nothing has happened!

Frank:                         {shrugs} Why not?

Nolan:                        Living end! And is that red neck on his way over here again to kill me?!

Frank:                         {shrugs} I dunno, probably. Who took the jam out of your doughnut?

Nolan:                        {blusters} You did! I mean, really, I’m most thrillingly appalled!

Frank:                         No, no, don’t say it.

Balvin:                        He’s not going to say it, Frank. He’s just a little sore.

Frank:                         Oh, has that rash come back?

Balvin:                        Well, yes, but…

Nolan:                        Balvin!

Balvin:                        What? Your rash is public knowledge already.

Nolan:                        It wasn’t until you told everyone!

Frank:                         So, where is the rash?

{somewhere unmentionable}

Balvin:                        Yeah, it’s on his a**

Nolan:                        Balvin!

Balvin:                        What? I said it was on your arm, Tarquin added the asterisks.

{I was adding drama}

Frank:                         That was not adding drama, Tarquin.

Nolan:                        Yeah, you’re right Frank, that was not adding drama.

Frank:                         Did… did you just agree with me?

Nolan:                        No.

Balvin:                        You quite clearly did Nolan.

{yes, I agree}

{enter Red Neck}

Red:                            Alright, where’s Nolan Glassfinder?

Nolan:                        He’s dead.

Balvin:                        You’re clearly not dead, Nolan.

Nolan:                        Balvin!

Balvin:                        What?

{he’s certainly not as dead as my poor Lemuel}

Nolan:                        Oh don’t go on about Lemuel again Tarquin, he’s fine.

Red:                            So, you are Nolan Glassfinder?

Nolan:                        Tch. Alright, alright, yes, I am he.

Red:                            Right… {thinks} now, what was it I was going to do?

Balvin:                        You know what I do…

Red:                            Yes, yes, I remember. You retrace your steps.

Frank:                         You remember Balvin saying that, but you can’t remember that you actually came here to kill Nolan?

Nolan:                        Frank!

Frank:                         What?

Red:                            Yes, that’s right. I can remember Balvin saying that, but I can’t remember that I actually came here to kill Nolan. So, I’ll just go and retrace my steps, then come back here when I’ve remembered what it was I came here to do. {exits}

Nolan:                        What kind of an idiot is that man?

Balvin:                        Not as much of an idiot as you.

Nolan:                        Why?

Balvin:                        {shrugs} Just, ‘cus.

{yeah, you’re right Balvin}

Balvin:                        Wait, what? You’re agreeing with me?


Balvin:                        You quite clearly are.

{no I’m not, and by the way, you look like a ponce drinking wine}

Balvin:                        I… {grabs Nolan’s beer off Frank and drinks it, while manspreading to prove his manliness} I don’t drink wine.

{you quite clearly were, Balvin}

Nolan:                        Yeah, I agree.

{wait, what? You’re agreeing with me?}

Nolan:                        No.

{enter Red Neck}

Red:                            So, which one of you is Nolan Glassfinder?