{Nolan sitting in his lounge with his parents in icy silence}
{enter Balvin in a thong}
NOLAN: Balvin!
BALVIN: What?
NOLAN: You knew my parents would be here today! Can’t you find something, I dunno, more appropriate?
BALVIN: Tch, alright {exits}
{Nolan smiles nervously at his parents}
{enter Balvin, naked}
NOLAN: Balvin! Seriously?
BALVIN: What?
NOLAN: {gestures at his parents} My parents are here!
BALVIN: Uh, right, okay {sits down}
DAD: Nolan, do we have to have this performance with your flatmate absolutely every time we visit?
BALVIN: I don’t do it every time you visit. That’s something of an exaggeration, if you don’t mind my saying so, Mr Glassfinder.
DAD: You’ve done it every time we’ve visited so far.
BALVIN: Ahhh, ahhh, there you go – so far. I might not do it next time you visit.
MUM: I think perhaps we should leave.
{enter Frank The Elephant}
FRANK: Uh, sorry Nolan, I’ve done it again.
NOLAN: Ohh no, not again! Not all over the carpet?
FRANK: Uh, no, not that. I mean I’ve bankrupted you by gambling on the stock market.
NOLAN: {relaxes} Oh, well, that’s alright then.
BALVIN: {stands up and struts around the lounge} Get me a beer, Nolan.
NOLAN: Get yourself a beer! And put some bloody clothes on!
MUM: I really think we should leave.
{I think so too}
MUM: See? That disembodied voice thinks we should as well.
{I have a name, madam}
MUM: Well I don’t know what it is.
{You could ask}
BALVIN: Beer me!
NOLAN: No!
{My name is Tarquin}
FRANK: The bank are repossessing your house – they’ll be here shortly.
{enter Red Neck}
RED: Right, I’m here to kill Nolan Glassfinder.
NOLAN: What the hell? How did you get in?
RED: Door was open.
NOLAN: Frank!
FRANK: Sorry.
RED: So which one of you is Nolan Glassfinder?
BALVIN: He is {pointing at a small milking stool in the corner}
RED: Now, I may be a slack-jawed southern red-neck, but even I know that that thar milking stool is not Nolan Glassfinder.
BALVIN: Really? How do you know?
RED: Well, he’s… it’s… umm.
BALVIN: You don’t know, do you?
RED: Well, perhaps if…
BALVIN: Do you?!
RED: No.
BALVIN: A-HA!
MUM: Let’s leave, Dad.
{No, no, no, please stay}
NOLAN: Tarquin, it’s not your house!
FRANK: In fact, Nolan, I also took out a loan with a loan shark, and he’s coming round to break your kneecaps as well.
NOLAN: Frank, please, I’m talking to Tarquin, don’t interrupt.
FRANK: He’ll be here in a few minutes, after the bailiffs have taken their fill.
DAD: Come on Mum, lets leave.
{Don’t you have names?}
DAD: Who said that?
{I did}
DAD: Living end! I know it was you that said it!
{Well why did you ask who said it then?}
DAD: I meant…
{Rude}
DAD: I… what?
RED: I do know that milking stool isn’t Nolan Glassfinder!
BALVIN: How?
{You’re rude}
DAD: I… what?
RED: Because… umm… because it isn’t! That’s why.
BALVIN: Please, please. You can’t fool me with this high-brow talk, Mr Red Neck.
RED: Tch! Now I’ve gone and forgotten why I came here again!
BALVIN: Well, you know what I do when I forget something?
RED: I know, I know, you retrace your steps to where you were when you had the original thought.
BALVIN: Bingo!
FRANK: I’ll play.
BALVIN: No, no, not bingo.
FRANK: You said bingo?
NOLAN: Balvin, look, won’t you please put some clothes on?
{Yes, and please ask your rude parents to leave}
DAD: I’m not rude! I just don’t know your name!
NOLAN: My name’s Nolan, Dad, you’ve known me forever!
DAD: Not you! Him!
NOLAN: Who?
FRANK: Me?
DAD: No! No! Him!
BALVIN: Me?
DAD: No! No!
NOLAN: Not the Red Neck bloke that’s come to kill me because of what Frank did to spread the rumour that I was gay in various southern states of the USA?
DAD: No! No!
RED: That was it!
DAD: No!! I meant him!
ALL: Who?!
DAD: Look, Tarquin, can’t you please indicate who I’m pointing at when I say who I don’t know the name of!?
{Ahh, so you do know my name?}
DAD: I… what?
RED: Say your prayers, Nolan Glassfinder.
NOLAN: I’m an atheist.
RED: I… what?
MUM: Let’s just go, Dad.
{Isn’t it Go Daddy?}
MUM: Living end! {grabs Dad and both exit}
{enter Bailiff}
BAILIFF: Hullo, which one of you is Nolan Glassfinder?
RED: He’s that small milking stool in the corner.
BAILIFF: Very well {to Milking Stool} Sir, I’m here to enact the wishes of the court, and I’m seizing all of your property.
NOLAN: The milking stool doesn’t have any property, it only has itself.
BAILIFF: Very well {snatches Milking Stool and exits}
RED: Right, where was I? {scratches head}
BALVIN: You know what I do when I forget something?
RED: Yes, yes, yes. I’ll go back home to my anonymous southern state, and come back again when I’ve remembered what I came here to do.
NOLAN: My milking stool!
BALVIN: What about it?
NOLAN: I want it back!
BALVIN: What would you rather – your milking stool or your freedom?
{I know what I’d rather}
BALVIN: Didn’t ask you.
{I still know what I’d rather}
NOLAN: This is all your fault {waves accusatory finger at Balvin}
BALVIN: What did I do? It was Frank that bankrupted you. It was Frank that caused that Red Neck to come all the way over here to kill you.
{I still know what I’d rather}
BALVIN: Didn’t ask you.
FRANK: Look, Nolan, maybe next time you should visit your parents, rather than inviting them here?
{enter Kneecap Cruncher}
KNEE: Hello.
NOLAN: We really haven’t got time for you now.
KNEE: Oh, really? I’ll go then {exits}
{That was impressive}
NOLAN: I’m going to bed.
{fin}