In which Nolan's parents come for a visit.

{Nolan sitting in his lounge with his parents in icy silence}

{enter Balvin in a thong}

NOLAN:         Balvin!

BALVIN:         What?

NOLAN:         You knew my parents would be here today! Can’t you find something, I dunno, more appropriate?

BALVIN:         Tch, alright {exits}

{Nolan smiles nervously at his parents}

{enter Balvin, naked}

NOLAN:         Balvin! Seriously?

BALVIN:         What?

NOLAN:         {gestures at his parents} My parents are here!

BALVIN:         Uh, right, okay {sits down}

DAD:               Nolan, do we have to have this performance with your flatmate absolutely every time we visit?

BALVIN:         I don’t do it every time you visit. That’s something of an exaggeration, if you don’t mind my saying so, Mr Glassfinder.

DAD:               You’ve done it every time we’ve visited so far.

BALVIN:         Ahhh, ahhh, there you go – so far. I might not do it next time you visit.

MUM:            I think perhaps we should leave.

{enter Frank The Elephant}

FRANK:          Uh, sorry Nolan, I’ve done it again.

NOLAN:         Ohh no, not again! Not all over the carpet?

FRANK:          Uh, no, not that. I mean I’ve bankrupted you by gambling on the stock market.

NOLAN:         {relaxes} Oh, well, that’s alright then.

BALVIN:         {stands up and struts around the lounge} Get me a beer, Nolan.

NOLAN:         Get yourself a beer! And put some bloody clothes on!

MUM:            I really think we should leave.

{I think so too}

MUM:            See? That disembodied voice thinks we should as well.

{I have a name, madam}

MUM:            Well I don’t know what it is.

{You could ask}

BALVIN:         Beer me!

NOLAN:         No!

{My name is Tarquin}

FRANK:          The bank are repossessing your house – they’ll be here shortly.

{enter Red Neck}

RED:                Right, I’m here to kill Nolan Glassfinder.

NOLAN:         What the hell? How did you get in?

RED:                Door was open.

NOLAN:         Frank!

FRANK:          Sorry.

RED:                So which one of you is Nolan Glassfinder?

BALVIN:         He is {pointing at a small milking stool in the corner}

RED:                Now, I may be a slack-jawed southern red-neck, but even I know that that thar milking stool is not Nolan Glassfinder.

BALVIN:         Really? How do you know?

RED:                Well, he’s… it’s… umm.

BALVIN:         You don’t know, do you?

RED:                Well, perhaps if…

BALVIN:         Do you?!

RED:                No.

BALVIN:         A-HA!

MUM:            Let’s leave, Dad.

{No, no, no, please stay}

NOLAN:         Tarquin, it’s not your house!

FRANK:          In fact, Nolan, I also took out a loan with a loan shark, and he’s coming round to break your kneecaps as well.

NOLAN:         Frank, please, I’m talking to Tarquin, don’t interrupt.

FRANK:          He’ll be here in a few minutes, after the bailiffs have taken their fill.

DAD:               Come on Mum, lets leave.

{Don’t you have names?}

DAD:               Who said that?

{I did}

DAD:               Living end! I know it was you that said it!

{Well why did you ask who said it then?}

DAD:               I meant…


DAD:               I… what?

RED:                I do know that milking stool isn’t Nolan Glassfinder!

BALVIN:         How?

{You’re rude}

DAD:               I… what?

RED:                Because… umm… because it isn’t! That’s why.

BALVIN:         Please, please. You can’t fool me with this high-brow talk, Mr Red Neck.

RED:                Tch! Now I’ve gone and forgotten why I came here again!

BALVIN:         Well, you know what I do when I forget something?

RED:                I know, I know, you retrace your steps to where you were when you had the original thought.

BALVIN:         Bingo!

FRANK:          I’ll play.

BALVIN:         No, no, not bingo.

FRANK:          You said bingo?

NOLAN:         Balvin, look, won’t you please put some clothes on?

{Yes, and please ask your rude parents to leave}

DAD:               I’m not rude! I just don’t know your name!

NOLAN:         My name’s Nolan, Dad, you’ve known me forever!

DAD:               Not you! Him!

NOLAN:         Who?

FRANK:          Me?

DAD:               No! No! Him!

BALVIN:         Me?

DAD:               No! No!

NOLAN:         Not the Red Neck bloke that’s come to kill me because of what Frank did to spread the rumour that I was gay in various southern states of the USA?

DAD:               No! No!

RED:                That was it!

DAD:               No!! I meant him!

ALL:                 Who?!

DAD:               Look, Tarquin, can’t you please indicate who I’m pointing at when I say who I don’t know the name of!?

{Ahh, so you do know my name?}

DAD:               I… what?

RED:                Say your prayers, Nolan Glassfinder.

NOLAN:         I’m an atheist.

RED:                I… what?

MUM:            Let’s just go, Dad.

{Isn’t it Go Daddy?}

MUM:            Living end! {grabs Dad and both exit}

{enter Bailiff}

BAILIFF:         Hullo, which one of you is Nolan Glassfinder?

RED:                He’s that small milking stool in the corner.

BAILIFF:         Very well {to Milking Stool} Sir, I’m here to enact the wishes of the court, and I’m seizing all of your property.

NOLAN:         The milking stool doesn’t have any property, it only has itself.

BAILIFF:         Very well {snatches Milking Stool and exits}

RED:                Right, where was I? {scratches head}

BALVIN:         You know what I do when I forget something?

RED:                Yes, yes, yes. I’ll go back home to my anonymous southern state, and come back again when I’ve remembered what I came here to do.

NOLAN:         My milking stool!

BALVIN:         What about it?

NOLAN:         I want it back!

BALVIN:         What would you rather – your milking stool or your freedom?

{I know what I’d rather}

BALVIN:         Didn’t ask you.

{I still know what I’d rather}

NOLAN:         This is all your fault {waves accusatory finger at Balvin}

BALVIN:         What did I do? It was Frank that bankrupted you. It was Frank that caused that Red Neck to come all the way over here to kill you.

{I still know what I’d rather}

BALVIN:         Didn’t ask you.

FRANK:          Look, Nolan, maybe next time you should visit your parents, rather than inviting them here?

{enter Kneecap Cruncher}

KNEE:             Hello.

NOLAN:         We really haven’t got time for you now.

KNEE:             Oh, really? I’ll go then {exits}

{That was impressive}

NOLAN:         I’m going to bed.