{Open on Nolan and Balvin’s lounge}
Balvin: So?
Nolan: **** off, I’m not in the mood.
Balvin: Wow that’s harsh.
Nolan: Harsh?! Harsh?! You want ****ing harsh?! I’ll give you harsh!
{I think Nolan might be a little tetchy}
Balvin: Tetchy? You class this as tetchy?
Nolan: **** off Tarquin!
Balvin: Wow.
{I was trying to defend you, Nolan}
{enter Blaxploitation Man}
Blax: Eh up me cock, ‘ow do.
Balvin: There really is no need for you to pretend to be from Yorkshire anymore, John.
Blax: Oh thank God for that.
Nolan: **** off John!
Balvin: Oh now, there really is no need to take it out on John, whatever it is.
Nolan: No need?! No ****ing need?!
{Nolan jumps to his feet, runs out of the room, slams the door, reopens the door, gives everyone the finger, then slams the door again}
{pause}
Balvin: Wow.
Blax: {sitting down on the sofa, rearranging his manliness in a deliberate styley} So, umm, what’s going on with Nolan?
Balvin: Meh, Frank The Elephant accidentally under reported Nolan’s gross income for last year, resulting in him getting a harsh tax audit.
Blax: Oh, that wasn’t Frank, that was me.
Balvin: That was you?
Blax: That was me.
Balvin: But why?
Blax: {shrugs} I dunno, just felt like it. The guy’s an idiot. Peg or two. Taken down, styley.
Balvin: Uh, riiiighht.
{So, John, what’s this I hear about…}
Blax: Don’t you dare ask…
{About…}
Blax: I’m warning you…
Balvin: Oh, the secret cow library?
Blax: Ohh you did NOT just mention the cow library!!
{He clearly did}
Blax: You DID NOT just mention the cow library!!!
Balvin: What’s the problem? It’s only a cow library?
{enter Nolan}
Nolan: Even I know not to mention the {whispers} cow library
Blax: YOU DID NOT just mention the mother****ing cow library!!!!
Nolan: Seriously John, chill.
Balvin: {frowns} How did you suddenly get so calm?
Nolan: Me? Me? I’m always clam.
Balvin: Clam?
Nolan: Clam. I’m always clam. I love being clam.
Blax: YOU DID NOT JUST…
Balvin: Oh John, we’ve moved on from that.
Blax: What? Uh, okay. {exit}
Nolan: You know what I realised?
Balvin: You’ve got exceptionally small genetalia?
Nolan: Haha, maybe. But really, what I realised is that I should face my problems, rather than raging about them.
Balvin: Uh right?
Nolan: Yah. I’ve murdered Frank The Elephant. Everything’s cool now.
{please let me tell him}
Balvin: Ha! No way Tarquin! Nolan – John Shaft was the one who under reported your gross income for last year!
{oh you swine}
Nolan: Wait, what?
Balvin: It’s John’s fault you got that harsh tax audit, not Frank’s.
Nolan: Wait, what?
Balvin: I think you owe Frank an apology.
Nolan: Oh no, no, no, I don’t owe Frank an apology.
Balvin: But he didn’t…
Nolan: Oh, I know that. But it wasn’t John Blaxpoitation Man Shaft who made that huge mess on my carpet.
{fin}
