In which Nolan demonstrates his prowess in a 1970's styley.

NOLAN:            So?

{pause}

NOLAN:            So?

BALVIN:            So what?

NOLAN:            So, what do you think?

BALVIN:            What do I think about what?

NOLAN:            Tch, my new hostess trolley, moron.

BALVIN:            Don’t call me a moron! How was I supposed to know what you were talking about?

NOLAN:            I’ve just given you a three hour PowerPoint presentation about it, I have ten lovely ladies in skimpy bikinis draping themselves over the trolley, and I’m holding a huge sign saying “Nolan’s New Hostess Trolley”.

BALVIN:            Well, I dunno, you could be talking about something completely different.

NOLAN:            Like what?

BALVIN:            Like that huge sign you’re holding, you could have been asking me what I thought about the build quality of it.

NOLAN:            That’s not a terribly interesting thing to ask your opinion on.

BALVIN:            Granted, but it would be entirely in keeping with the level of interest usually involved in the things you ask for my opinion on.

NOLAN:            Tch. So anyway, what you you think?

BALVIN:            Eh?

NOLAN:            What do you think?

BALVIN:            About what?

NOLAN:            My new hostess trolley!

GIRL1:              Excuse me?

NOLAN:            What?

GIRL1:              Can we go now? We’ve been here for nearly five hours.

BALVIN:            {to NOLAN} You said it was a three hour presentation!

NOLAN:            It was, she’s lying.

GIRL1:              I am not lying! We’ve been here for nearly twenty five hours.

NOLAN:            Twenty… what?!

GIRL2:              Yes, we’ve been here for two months solid, isn’t it about time we got paid?

BALVIN             :     You’ll be lucky.

{GIRL1 wishes she had a real name}

GIRL1:              What?

{I said, GIRL1 wishes she had a real name, instead of GIRL1}

GIRL1:              I’m quite happy with Girl1 actually. It’s a lot better than my real name.

BALVIN:            What’s your real name then?

GIRL3:              Snodulous Terrorwhore. The third.

{Snodulous Terrorwhore smacks GIRL3 in the face}

GIRL3:              What was that for? {nursing bruised cheek}

GIRL3:              Hey! {smacks Balvin in the face} He said I was nursing my bruised cheek, and it was one of the ones on my face!

NOLAN:            Look, would someone please tell me what they think of my new hostess trolley? I’ve gone to a lot of trouble.

{I think it’s very nice}

NOLAN:            I didn’t ask you to lie, I asked what you thought.

{I still think it’s very nice. It’s much better than mine}

NOLAN:            Well, you haven’t got a hostess trolley.

{So, it’s better than mine then isn’t it?}

TERROR:           So when are we getting paid for our year’s work then?

NOLAN:            Sorry, but I employed GIRLs1 to 10, I didn’t employ anyone called Snodulous Terrorwhore, so I’m not paying you.

GIRL1:              Very well, my name isn’t Snodulous Terrorwhore at all, it’s GIRL1.

NOLAN:            That’s fine, I’m still not paying you.

GIRL1:              What?!

NOLAN:            You were terrible. You broke the little wheels when you sat on the hostess trolley, and then you broke the doors trying to get a drink out of it in the mistaken belief that it was a drinks bar. And you trod on Frank The Elephant’s foot – he was furious.

{enter Lottery Man}

LOTTERY:         Congratulations, Snodulous Terrorwhore The Third, you’ve just one several pence!

TERROR:           Hurrah! {grabs several pence off Lottery Man}

NOLAN:            Aha! I’ve got you now, so your name really is Snodulous Terrorwhore.

TERROR:           No it isn’t. It’s Snodulous Terrorwhore The Third. Also Slightly Hirsute.

NOLAN:            Slightly Hirsute?

GIRL3:              She doesn’t like to talk about it?

BALVIN:            About what?

{enter Frank The Elephant}

FRANK:            Oh, sorry. {stumbles into Nolan’s hostess trolley}

NOLAN:            Frank! That was brand new!

FRANK:            I said I was sorry.

NOLAN:            But you apologised before you demolished it! Surely that means you did it on purpose?

FRANK:            Well, yes, of course I did it on purpose. It was a terrible hostess trolley. It was all flat, broken and had elephant footprints all over it.

NOLAN:            But that didn’t happen until you demolished it!

TERROR:           When are we getting paid?! {frustrated now}

FRANK:            Oh, he’ll never pay you for anything.

NOLAN:            You keep out of this!

FRANK:            He said he was going to pay me for that packet of peanuts I never bought him, but he still hasn’t.

BALVIN:            Look, would you get rid of all these girls now, Nolan, I’m trying to watch telly.

TERROR:           We’re not going until we get paid.

FRANK:            Well said, but he never will.

NOLAN:            Frank, please, go away. {to TERROR} Now look, I’m not going to pay you, you were terrible.

TERROR:           {blusters} I am most decidedly thrillingly appalled!

NOLAN:            No, no, don’t say it.

TERROR:           {screaming} To the smelliest degree!

BALVIN:            Just pay them for crying out loud, how much can it be? They were terrible.

NOLAN:            I thought you weren’t paying any attention to the presentation?

BALVIN:            What presentation?

NOLAN:            About my hostess trolley!

BALVIN:            What hostess trolley? I can’t see a hostess trolley.

NOLAN:            That’s because Frank has demolished it.

{TERROR and other GIRLS leave}

NOLAN:            Oh cool. I don’t have to pay them now, thanks Tarquin.

{So, when do I get paid for getting rid of them?}

FRANK:            Oh, he’ll never pay you for anything. Just you ask Balvin about that packet of peanuts I never bought for him.

NOLAN:            Don’t start, please.

BALVIN:            Hang on, weren’t you meant to be getting a new hostess trolley?

NOLAN:            {crying} Yes, yes I was, and you ignored me, and Frank destroyed it.

BALVIN:            But I needed that hostess trolley! What am I going to do now, eh?

NOLAN:            Well, it’s not really my problem is it?

BALVIN:            It was your hostess trolley I was borrowing! I see that very much as your problem! You still owe me the loan of a hostess trolley! How am I to keep my vol au vents warm now? Eh?

NOLAN:            Oh leave me alone!

{enter Snodulous Terrorwhore The Third with a very tall lawyer}

TERROR:           There he is! There’s the man that bankrupted us with his constantly delayed payments for over twenty years’ work!

NOLAN:            Twenty years?! It…

TALL LAWYER:   I must present you with this cease and desist letter {blusters} Erm, no, not cease and desist, erm, what was the other one?

NOLAN:            I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer!

TALL LAWYER:   Oh, aren’t you now?! Well, here’s me thinking that you were a lawyer, and you’d just come to sue me!

{enter SUE}

SUE:                Hello?

TERROR:           What’s Sue doing here?

SUE:                Hello? Can anyone hear me?

TERROR:           Yes, we can, what are you doing here?

SUE:                Hello?!??! Can anyone hear me?!?! Oh no, I’ve disappeared again. Oh no, oh no, this is terrible {starts crying}

NOLAN:            Would you please, all of you, get out of my house!

TERROR:           Money!

BALVIN:            Hostess trolley!

FRANK:            Peanuts!

SUE:                Hello???!??!!?

GIRL2:              More lines please!

TALL LAWYER:   Cease and desist letter!

NOLAN:            {drops to knees, crying} Oh, God, please help, please help me! I need a hostess trolley, some money, a packet of peanuts, more lines for Girl 2, a letter of some sort for Very Tall Lawyer, and if you can manage it, a plane of existence for Sue to inhabit.

{sorry, he’s not answering calls at the moment}

BALVIN:            Look, I don’t care about all the other stuff, I just need that hostess trolley. It’s a 70’s themed house party. Oh, did you redecorate your room in different shades of brown and orange like I asked? It’s an intrinsic part of the ambience, it’ll be a disaster if you’ve forgotten.

NOLAN:            Oh God, oh God, oh God.

{SUE is suddenly transported into another plane of existence where there is a telephone constantly ringing}

SUE:                Oh thank God for that!

{phone ringing}

SUE:                {answers phone} Hello? {pause} Hello? Must be a wrong number. {puts phone down, it immediately rings again} {answering phone} Hello? {pause} Hello? Oh, must be a wrong number. {puts phone down, it immediately rings again} Hello? {pause} Hello? Oh, must be another wrong number. {puts phone down}

{fin}