NOLAN: So?
{pause}
NOLAN: So?
BALVIN: So what?
NOLAN: So, what do you think?
BALVIN: What do I think about what?
NOLAN: Tch, my new hostess trolley, moron.
BALVIN: Don’t call me a moron! How was I supposed to know what you were talking about?
NOLAN: I’ve just given you a three hour PowerPoint presentation about it, I have ten lovely ladies in skimpy bikinis draping themselves over the trolley, and I’m holding a huge sign saying “Nolan’s New Hostess Trolley”.
BALVIN: Well, I dunno, you could be talking about something completely different.
NOLAN: Like what?
BALVIN: Like that huge sign you’re holding, you could have been asking me what I thought about the build quality of it.
NOLAN: That’s not a terribly interesting thing to ask your opinion on.
BALVIN: Granted, but it would be entirely in keeping with the level of interest usually involved in the things you ask for my opinion on.
NOLAN: Tch. So anyway, what you you think?
BALVIN: Eh?
NOLAN: What do you think?
BALVIN: About what?
NOLAN: My new hostess trolley!
GIRL1: Excuse me?
NOLAN: What?
GIRL1: Can we go now? We’ve been here for nearly five hours.
BALVIN: {to NOLAN} You said it was a three hour presentation!
NOLAN: It was, she’s lying.
GIRL1: I am not lying! We’ve been here for nearly twenty five hours.
NOLAN: Twenty… what?!
GIRL2: Yes, we’ve been here for two months solid, isn’t it about time we got paid?
BALVIN : You’ll be lucky.
{GIRL1 wishes she had a real name}
GIRL1: What?
{I said, GIRL1 wishes she had a real name, instead of GIRL1}
GIRL1: I’m quite happy with Girl1 actually. It’s a lot better than my real name.
BALVIN: What’s your real name then?
GIRL3: Snodulous Terrorwhore. The third.
{Snodulous Terrorwhore smacks GIRL3 in the face}
GIRL3: What was that for? {nursing bruised cheek}
GIRL3: Hey! {smacks Balvin in the face} He said I was nursing my bruised cheek, and it was one of the ones on my face!
NOLAN: Look, would someone please tell me what they think of my new hostess trolley? I’ve gone to a lot of trouble.
{I think it’s very nice}
NOLAN: I didn’t ask you to lie, I asked what you thought.
{I still think it’s very nice. It’s much better than mine}
NOLAN: Well, you haven’t got a hostess trolley.
{So, it’s better than mine then isn’t it?}
TERROR: So when are we getting paid for our year’s work then?
NOLAN: Sorry, but I employed GIRLs1 to 10, I didn’t employ anyone called Snodulous Terrorwhore, so I’m not paying you.
GIRL1: Very well, my name isn’t Snodulous Terrorwhore at all, it’s GIRL1.
NOLAN: That’s fine, I’m still not paying you.
GIRL1: What?!
NOLAN: You were terrible. You broke the little wheels when you sat on the hostess trolley, and then you broke the doors trying to get a drink out of it in the mistaken belief that it was a drinks bar. And you trod on Frank The Elephant’s foot – he was furious.
{enter Lottery Man}
LOTTERY: Congratulations, Snodulous Terrorwhore The Third, you’ve just one several pence!
TERROR: Hurrah! {grabs several pence off Lottery Man}
NOLAN: Aha! I’ve got you now, so your name really is Snodulous Terrorwhore.
TERROR: No it isn’t. It’s Snodulous Terrorwhore The Third. Also Slightly Hirsute.
NOLAN: Slightly Hirsute?
GIRL3: She doesn’t like to talk about it?
BALVIN: About what?
{enter Frank The Elephant}
FRANK: Oh, sorry. {stumbles into Nolan’s hostess trolley}
NOLAN: Frank! That was brand new!
FRANK: I said I was sorry.
NOLAN: But you apologised before you demolished it! Surely that means you did it on purpose?
FRANK: Well, yes, of course I did it on purpose. It was a terrible hostess trolley. It was all flat, broken and had elephant footprints all over it.
NOLAN: But that didn’t happen until you demolished it!
TERROR: When are we getting paid?! {frustrated now}
FRANK: Oh, he’ll never pay you for anything.
NOLAN: You keep out of this!
FRANK: He said he was going to pay me for that packet of peanuts I never bought him, but he still hasn’t.
BALVIN: Look, would you get rid of all these girls now, Nolan, I’m trying to watch telly.
TERROR: We’re not going until we get paid.
FRANK: Well said, but he never will.
NOLAN: Frank, please, go away. {to TERROR} Now look, I’m not going to pay you, you were terrible.
TERROR: {blusters} I am most decidedly thrillingly appalled!
NOLAN: No, no, don’t say it.
TERROR: {screaming} To the smelliest degree!
BALVIN: Just pay them for crying out loud, how much can it be? They were terrible.
NOLAN: I thought you weren’t paying any attention to the presentation?
BALVIN: What presentation?
NOLAN: About my hostess trolley!
BALVIN: What hostess trolley? I can’t see a hostess trolley.
NOLAN: That’s because Frank has demolished it.
{TERROR and other GIRLS leave}
NOLAN: Oh cool. I don’t have to pay them now, thanks Tarquin.
{So, when do I get paid for getting rid of them?}
FRANK: Oh, he’ll never pay you for anything. Just you ask Balvin about that packet of peanuts I never bought for him.
NOLAN: Don’t start, please.
BALVIN: Hang on, weren’t you meant to be getting a new hostess trolley?
NOLAN: {crying} Yes, yes I was, and you ignored me, and Frank destroyed it.
BALVIN: But I needed that hostess trolley! What am I going to do now, eh?
NOLAN: Well, it’s not really my problem is it?
BALVIN: It was your hostess trolley I was borrowing! I see that very much as your problem! You still owe me the loan of a hostess trolley! How am I to keep my vol au vents warm now? Eh?
NOLAN: Oh leave me alone!
{enter Snodulous Terrorwhore The Third with a very tall lawyer}
TERROR: There he is! There’s the man that bankrupted us with his constantly delayed payments for over twenty years’ work!
NOLAN: Twenty years?! It…
TALL LAWYER: I must present you with this cease and desist letter {blusters} Erm, no, not cease and desist, erm, what was the other one?
NOLAN: I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer!
TALL LAWYER: Oh, aren’t you now?! Well, here’s me thinking that you were a lawyer, and you’d just come to sue me!
{enter SUE}
SUE: Hello?
TERROR: What’s Sue doing here?
SUE: Hello? Can anyone hear me?
TERROR: Yes, we can, what are you doing here?
SUE: Hello?!??! Can anyone hear me?!?! Oh no, I’ve disappeared again. Oh no, oh no, this is terrible {starts crying}
NOLAN: Would you please, all of you, get out of my house!
TERROR: Money!
BALVIN: Hostess trolley!
FRANK: Peanuts!
SUE: Hello???!??!!?
GIRL2: More lines please!
TALL LAWYER: Cease and desist letter!
NOLAN: {drops to knees, crying} Oh, God, please help, please help me! I need a hostess trolley, some money, a packet of peanuts, more lines for Girl 2, a letter of some sort for Very Tall Lawyer, and if you can manage it, a plane of existence for Sue to inhabit.
{sorry, he’s not answering calls at the moment}
BALVIN: Look, I don’t care about all the other stuff, I just need that hostess trolley. It’s a 70’s themed house party. Oh, did you redecorate your room in different shades of brown and orange like I asked? It’s an intrinsic part of the ambience, it’ll be a disaster if you’ve forgotten.
NOLAN: Oh God, oh God, oh God.
{SUE is suddenly transported into another plane of existence where there is a telephone constantly ringing}
SUE: Oh thank God for that!
{phone ringing}
SUE: {answers phone} Hello? {pause} Hello? Must be a wrong number. {puts phone down, it immediately rings again} {answering phone} Hello? {pause} Hello? Oh, must be a wrong number. {puts phone down, it immediately rings again} Hello? {pause} Hello? Oh, must be another wrong number. {puts phone down}
{fin}
