In which Frank The Elephant and Lemuel are resurrected, and then go for a pint.

{Open on Nolan and Balvin’s lounge}

{enter Frank The Elephant}

Nolan:                        I thought you died?

Frank:                         Nah.

Nolan:                        Hmm, fair enough.

Balvin:                        Furry what?

Nolan:                        Stop it.

Balvin:                        So, what are you going to do about that dead dog in the shrubbery?

Frank:                         Oh, the neighbour ate that.


Frank:                         I said, the neighbour ate that.

{I heard what you said}

Balvin:                        So why did you say ‘What?!’ then?

{Tch, it was ‘what?!’ as an expression of dismay and disbelief, not an expression of deafness}

Nolan:                        But why didn’t you die? I saw you get shot.

Frank:                         That’s true, if it was an expression of deafness, he might have said ‘pardon’.

Balvin:                        No, no, no, and four times no. If you say ‘what?!’ it means please repeat.

{It really doesn’t}

Nolan:                        Your head exploded, all over my carpet, mind you. Oh yes, and who is going to clean that up, might I ask?

Balvin:                        Repeat!

{Dismay, disbelief}

Balvin:                        Repeat!

{Dismay, disbelief}

Frank:                         Well I can’t clean it up, can I? I’ve got half of my head missing.

Balvin:                        Repeat!

Frank:                         Well I can’t clean it up, can I? I’ve got half of my head missing.

Nolan:                        Living end!

{Look, can we get back to what happened with my poor Lemuel? I wanted to give him a proper burial}

Balvin:                        What?

{I said…}

Balvin:                        AhA! So you do think it means please repeat!


Nolan:                        Living end!

{Enter Lemuel}

Lemuel:                     Awight.


Lemuel:                     ‘ello.

{I thought you were dead?}

Lemuel:                     I am dead, thanks to Nolan shooting me, Frank treading on me, and the neighbour eating me.

Frank:                         I didn’t tread on you.

Nolan:                        Yes, you did Frank.

Frank:                         But I thought…

Nolan:                        No, Frank.

Frank:                         Oh {glum}

Nolan:                        Oh now look, Lemuel, you’re leaving blood all over the carpet!

Lemuel:                     It’s not my bloody fault! That’s my spleen, where you shot me.

Balvin:                        Do dogs have spleens?

Lemuel:                     I don’t know, I just made that up, it’s actually my pancreas.

Balvin:                        Do dogs have a pancreas?

Frank:                         No, he said Pancras, as in St Pancras.

Nolan:                        He clearly didn’t, Frank.

Frank:                         Sorry, I was just trying to join in the conversation.

Nolan:                        Look, I don’t care which organ or part of his body Lemuel is bleeding from, I just want to know who’s going to clean it up?

Balvin:                        Well, it’s Tarquin’s dog, it’s his responsibility.

Nolan:                        That’s very true. Tarquin, clean up after your dog, carpet carpet carpet table.

{I… I… can’t believe this – after shooting my dog, treading on my dog, stealing my chair and insulting me, you’re asking me to clean up after my dog?!}

Nolan:                        Actually it was Frank who trod on your dog.

Frank:                         You said you wouldn’t say anything about that!

Nolan:                        I clearly didn’t, Frank.

Frank:                         Oh, didn’t you? Sorry.

{You’re responsible for having my dog killed, it’s your responsibility to clean up after him}

Nolan:                        I didn’t have your dog killed.

{Yes you did!}

Nolan:                        No, I didn’t. I killed your dog myself, I didn’t have him killed by a third party.

{I… I… I’m grieving here, and you’re giving me semantics?}

Lemuel:                     Oh sod this, I’m going for a pint. You coming, Frank?

Frank:                         What? Oh, yeah.

Lemuel:                     Would you stop treading on my pancreas though please?

Frank:                         What? Oh, yeah.

{exit Lemuel and Frank}

Nolan:                        So who’s going to clean up this mess then?