{Open on Nolan and Balvin’s lounge}
{enter Frank The Elephant}
Nolan: I thought you died?
Frank: Nah.
Nolan: Hmm, fair enough.
Balvin: Furry what?
Nolan: Stop it.
Balvin: So, what are you going to do about that dead dog in the shrubbery?
Frank: Oh, the neighbour ate that.
{What?!}
Frank: I said, the neighbour ate that.
{I heard what you said}
Balvin: So why did you say ‘What?!’ then?
{Tch, it was ‘what?!’ as an expression of dismay and disbelief, not an expression of deafness}
Nolan: But why didn’t you die? I saw you get shot.
Frank: That’s true, if it was an expression of deafness, he might have said ‘pardon’.
Balvin: No, no, no, and four times no. If you say ‘what?!’ it means please repeat.
{It really doesn’t}
Nolan: Your head exploded, all over my carpet, mind you. Oh yes, and who is going to clean that up, might I ask?
Balvin: Repeat!
{Dismay, disbelief}
Balvin: Repeat!
{Dismay, disbelief}
Frank: Well I can’t clean it up, can I? I’ve got half of my head missing.
Balvin: Repeat!
Frank: Well I can’t clean it up, can I? I’ve got half of my head missing.
Nolan: Living end!
{Look, can we get back to what happened with my poor Lemuel? I wanted to give him a proper burial}
Balvin: What?
{I said…}
Balvin: AhA! So you do think it means please repeat!
{Pardon?}
Nolan: Living end!
{Enter Lemuel}
Lemuel: Awight.
{Lemuel?}
Lemuel: ‘ello.
{I thought you were dead?}
Lemuel: I am dead, thanks to Nolan shooting me, Frank treading on me, and the neighbour eating me.
Frank: I didn’t tread on you.
Nolan: Yes, you did Frank.
Frank: But I thought…
Nolan: No, Frank.
Frank: Oh {glum}
Nolan: Oh now look, Lemuel, you’re leaving blood all over the carpet!
Lemuel: It’s not my bloody fault! That’s my spleen, where you shot me.
Balvin: Do dogs have spleens?
Lemuel: I don’t know, I just made that up, it’s actually my pancreas.
Balvin: Do dogs have a pancreas?
Frank: No, he said Pancras, as in St Pancras.
Nolan: He clearly didn’t, Frank.
Frank: Sorry, I was just trying to join in the conversation.
Nolan: Look, I don’t care which organ or part of his body Lemuel is bleeding from, I just want to know who’s going to clean it up?
Balvin: Well, it’s Tarquin’s dog, it’s his responsibility.
Nolan: That’s very true. Tarquin, clean up after your dog, carpet carpet carpet table.
{I… I… can’t believe this – after shooting my dog, treading on my dog, stealing my chair and insulting me, you’re asking me to clean up after my dog?!}
Nolan: Actually it was Frank who trod on your dog.
Frank: You said you wouldn’t say anything about that!
Nolan: I clearly didn’t, Frank.
Frank: Oh, didn’t you? Sorry.
{You’re responsible for having my dog killed, it’s your responsibility to clean up after him}
Nolan: I didn’t have your dog killed.
{Yes you did!}
Nolan: No, I didn’t. I killed your dog myself, I didn’t have him killed by a third party.
{I… I… I’m grieving here, and you’re giving me semantics?}
Lemuel: Oh sod this, I’m going for a pint. You coming, Frank?
Frank: What? Oh, yeah.
Lemuel: Would you stop treading on my pancreas though please?
Frank: What? Oh, yeah.
{exit Lemuel and Frank}
Nolan: So who’s going to clean up this mess then?
{fin}
