Frank The Elephant does it again, then gets shot.

{Open on Nolan and Balvin’s lounge}

Balvin:                        So?

Nolan:                        So what?

Balvin:                        Have you had any interest in your “comedy script”?

Nolan:                        I don’t wish to talk about it.

Balvin:                        Awww, is no one interested?

Nolan:                        Shut up.

Balvin:                        You’re just a big ugly failure, Nolan. That’s another thing that’s wrong with you.

{Enter Frank The Elephant}

Frank:                         Morning.

Balvin:                        Oh, hi Frank.

Frank:                         Nolan, I’m sorry, I’ve done it again.

Nolan:                        Oh what? No, not all over the carpet again?! I’ve only just had it washed.

Frank:                         No, no, not that. I mean I’ve encouraged the rumour that you’re gay in various southern states in the USA.

Nolan:                        What?!

Frank:                         Well I didn’t mean to…

Balvin:                        Well, Nolan is gay, so what’s the problem?

Nolan:                        That really isn’t the point.

Frank:                         Look, I didn’t mean to, it was an accident.

Balvin:                        What is the point then?

Nolan:                        How can you ‘accidentally’ encourage a rumour in various southern states in the USA?

Frank:                         Well, I accidentally did a stand-up comedy tour, the sole subject of which was your sexuality. I accidentally spent months planning and promoting. It just, kind of, happened.

Nolan:                        How many people attended this tour?

Frank:                         Oh, only about two and a half million. And there’s only about fifty thousand of them who posted death threats on public anti-gay forums, and still only about a hundred of those who’re now on their way over here to kill you.

Nolan:                        Oh, now that really is too much, Frank.

Balvin:                        There’s no need to over-react, Nolan.

Nolan:                        Over-react?! Over-react?! Over-react?! This really is the living end.

Frank:                         I’m sorry…

Nolan:                        Living end!

{Has anyone seen Lemuel?}

Balvin:                        You really are over-reacting quite badly, Nolan.

Frank:                         I wish I could do more…

Nolan:                        You’ve done quite enough, Frank! Quite, as I might say, ENOUGH!

{He’s been missing for two days now, I’m worried}

Frank:                         I said I was sorry.

Balvin:                        He said he was sorry, Nolan.

Frank:                         I’m sorry.

Balvin:                        He just said it again you ungrateful dick.

{It’s not like Lemuel to run off like that}

Balvin:                        So who’s Lemuel?

Nolan:                        Can we focus on my problem, please?


{Lemuel is my darling little chihuahua.}

Frank:                         Oh, him, he’s dead.


Frank:                         Yeah, he’s dead. Nolan backed over him in his car.

Nolan:                        Frank!

Frank:                         What?

{My Lemuel… dead?}

Balvin:                        Yeah, flat as a pancake he was. Nolan chucked the body in the shrubbery.


Nolan:                        Balvin!

Balvin:                        What?


Nolan:                        Couldn’t you both have let me tell Tarquin in my own time?

Frank:                         It’s been two days, Nolan, I thought you would’ve done it by now.

{Oh Lemuel, my poor, poor Lemuel}

{You’ll pay for this, Nolan, you’ll pay}

Nolan:                        It was an accident – I said I was sorry.

Balvin:                        No you didn’t!

{Yeah, Balvin’s right, you didn’t apologise}

Frank:                         Yeah, Nolan.

Nolan:                        Treacherous entourage! You’re ganging up on me, merely because I shot Tarquin’s bloody dog!

{Wait, what? You shot him?}

Nolan:                        Oh, er, well, I did apologise.

Frank:                         Er, no you didn’t, Nolan.

Balvin:                        Bring back the chair, I say.

Nolan:                        What’s that supposed to mean?

Balvin:                        You stole Tarquin’s chair last week, as well as shooting his dog, give him his chair back!

Nolan:                        I haven’t got Tarquin’s bloody chair!

{Hang on, can we focus on my problem, please?}

Nolan:                        No. Look, I only shot his bloody dog because Frank stepped on it!

Frank:                         Oh, Nolan, there really was no need to tell him.

Balvin:                        In any case, Frank didn’t step on Tarquin’s dog!

Nolan:                        No, not his dog, his chair – Frank stepped on Tarquin’s chair, so I shot his dog.

{Hang on…}

Frank:                         But I didn’t step on Tarquin’s chair, I stepped on his dog, Nolan told me.

Nolan:                        Oh, I only told you that to cover up for the fact that I shot the dog.

Balvin:                        So who stepped on his chair?

Nolan:                        Lemuel.

{Lemuel stepped on my chair and broke it?}

Nolan:                        No, Lemuel stepped on your chair and made a mess on it, y’know, blood and such.

{Oh I feel sick}

Nolan:                        Look, Tarquin, I did apologise.

Balvin:                        No, you did not apologise.

Nolan:                        Well, I was meaning to.

Balvin:                        Apologise now.

Nolan:                        What for?

Balvin:                        For making a mess of Tarquin’s chair.

Nolan:                        It wasn’t me that made a mess on Tarquin’s chair, it was Lemuel!

{Oh, my poor, poor Lemuel}

Frank:                         Why did you call your dog Lemuel anyway?

{Poor, poor, Lemuel}

Balvin:                        Tarquin, Frank just asked you a question you ignorant b***ard, answer him.

{My poor, poor, Lemuel, you heartless sods}

Balvin:                        Honestly, Nolan only ran over and shot your dog, and stole your chair, get over it.

Nolan:                        Look, can we…

{Door bell rings}

{Enter Red Neck}

Red Neck:                 Erm, excuse me?

Balvin:                        And what can we do for you?

Nolan:                        More to the point, how did you get in?

Red Neck:                 Door was open.

Nolan:                        Frank!

Frank:                         I said I was sorry!

Red Neck:                 Umm, anyway, is one of you Nolan Glassfinder?

Balvin:                        Yeah, that idiot over there.

{Red Neck shoots Frank The Elephant}

Balvin:                        Tch! No, not him, him… look, Tarquin, you need to specify stage directions here, tell him who I’m pointing at!

{No, shan’t}

Nolan:                        Why did you shoot Frank?

Red Neck:                 I… I didn’t mean to… it was an accident.

{What about my dog?}

Balvin:                        What about Frank?

Nolan:                        What about my carpet?

Balvin:                        What about your carpet?

Nolan:                        …just, felt like, joining in.

Red Neck:                 {to Nolan} Look, are you Nolan Glassfinder?

Balvin:                        Don’t tell him Nolan!

{Withering look}

Nolan:                        Left hook?

{Noooooo, nooooo, withering look}

Red Neck:                 Look, shut up, all of you. I’ve got to kill Nolan Glassfinder.

Nolan:                        Why?

Red Neck:                 Well… oh, erm, I’ve forgotten now. I’m sure there was a reason I flew all the way over here from an anonymous southern state of the USA.

Nolan:                        Oh, living end.

Balvin:                        Well, I find that retracing my steps helps me to remember things – I’m always walking into the lounge and forgetting why I came into the lounge.

Red Neck:                 You’re suggesting I fly all the way back to my anonymous southern state of the USA, just to remember why I came here?

Balvin:                        Yes, and?

Red Neck:                 Tch, alright {exits}

Balvin:                        And you didn’t even say thankyou!

Nolan:                        Alright, alright, alright, alright!

Balvin:                        Now, clean up this dead elephant, he’s starting to smell.